I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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