The maid of honor just puked.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The ass gains better be worth it
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