take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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