Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
