apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
