Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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