so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
