My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
