I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
