I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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