even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Everything about him screamed your future.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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