You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
