what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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