I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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