she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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