The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
