Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
