Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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