During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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