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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I will be naked everywhere
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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