Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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