I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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