that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
