I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
