hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
