Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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