Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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