I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
