maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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