I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
