I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
