She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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