I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This baby is an asshole
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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