So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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