Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
