Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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