I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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