At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
