i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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