I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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