I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
