Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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