There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just got carded by a ten year old.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
