thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
