She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize