my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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