thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
