Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
