Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
