i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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