if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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