she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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