please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
