just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize