A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
