He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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